Kids say the darndest things (and they know what they’re doing)

Muscular Rule #1 – Remove the duct tape from your child’s mouth at your own risk. Widget1’s mouth has no privacy setting or search results filter. He always blurts out the very first thought that tickles his neurotransmitters. It’s come to the point where I’m hiding behind shuttered windows, afraid to exit our apartment lest I cross paths with a resentful victim of the preschool terror. It starts innocently enough. “I live on the 3rd floor!” “I turned 5 today!” Awe, how cute! That’s what he wants them to think. Disarm them with charm. Then he goes in for the kill. “You’re really tall!” he says to a 7-ft tall neighbor. Then as Goliath passes us by, “You have big feet!” Or to the elderly man wearing flesh-colored stockings and kindly holding a door for us: “You have skin like a girl!” We tried to solve the problem by telling him about strangers, but that may have made things worse. “A stranger just sat down behind you!” he warns me, loud enough for the patron to hear as we finish our McDonald’s milkshakes and chicken nuggets. “It’s ok,” I say. Then in full sincerity, and still at an uncomfortable volume, Widget1 responds, “But you might TALK to him!” We’re running out of restaurants where we can show our faces in public.

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