We don’t need your education

Like a thief in the night, the time has come to choose a kindergarten for Widget1. Yes, we’ve had advance warning, but I didn’t say it was an exceptionally skilled thief – only that no matter how loudly and often your enemy threatens to break down your door and snatch your children away by threat…

Bill Cosby and his Marker of Pure Evil

Last night, the wife cracked open the “Best of The Cosby Show” DVD I gave her for Christmas. This got me thinking about Picture Pages. For the uninitiated, Picture Pages was a children’s educational segment hosted by Bill Cosby in the 1980s. He had a marker named Mortimer Ichabod Marker that he would use to…

Copycat

Widget1 plays with his cars; Widget2 plays with the cars. Widget1 jumps on the trampoline; Widget2 jumps on the trampoline. Widget1 screams; Widget2 screams. Now he even toddles around the living room wearing a backpack like his big brother, and he’s apparently confiscated big brother’s bicycle helmet to complete the ensemble. Thank God big brother…

Children’s Book

Having failed to write a novel that adults will voluntarily read (let alone pay money for), the next step of my two-step business plan is to fail their children as well. I am attempting to write my first children’s story. Technically, I’ve already written the story – but as my college professor used to say,…

Hero

Dear Hypothetical Offspring, Today I fed you so you wouldn’t starve, changed your diaper so you didn’t have to sit in your own urine, stopped you from drinking bleach, stuck my finger in your mouth to retrieve a marble, caught you when you fell backward down the stairs, caught you again as you plummeted head-first…