Dear Hypothetical Offspring,
Today I fed you so you wouldn’t starve, changed your diaper so you didn’t have to sit in your own urine, stopped you from drinking bleach, stuck my finger in your mouth to retrieve a marble, caught you when you fell backward down the stairs, caught you again as you plummeted head-first off the recliner, prevented your brother from strangling you to death, stepped into the path of a tumbling bookcase before it could crush you, saved your fingers from getting tangled in my bicycle gears, rushed you to the ER when you gave the bicycle a second try, gave you medicine for your sinus infection, sucked the mucus out of your nose with a mucus-sucking machine, and gave you an enema just in time to save your intestines from exploding because you refuse to eat your vegetables.
Today, Justin Bieber smiled and sang a song.
Now tell me again. Who is your hero?