Muscular Rules of Parenting

It's Our WarThe Muscular Rules of Parenting is a living, evolving document. As new rules are invented out of thin air, the list shall be expanded.

Read them. Memorize them. Hold them close to your heart:

  1. Remove the duct tape from your child’s mouth at your own risk.
  2. Restaurants and children don’t mix.
  3. Never give your child a toy you’re not willing to be hit in the face with. Addendum: make sure the toy is such that if your child does hit you, you can seize the toy and wield it in retaliation without being arrested for battery.
  4. A button exists, therefore your child is pressing it.
  5. My boys will NOT be sissies.
  6. Life isn’t fair, but your kids won’t believe you.
  7. If you show up drunk to a parenting class, you’re doing it wrong.
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